Dec 132016
 

cookie-dough-cover-pageChapter ONE of Cookie Dough in the Dark:

A Personal Trainer’s Addiction to Sugar

 

My Teenage Years

 

I think we’re all like suitcases.

 

We each have a different exterior – maybe we’re sleek and shiny, or maybe we’ve been on several long and difficult journeys and look a little worn and dented. But you can’t tell what’s inside the suitcase just by judging its outside. For me, my suitcase hid a lot of garbage – shame, anger, disappointment, discouragement, and disgust. But you would never know by looking at the exterior.

 

Reflecting back, my earliest memory of trying to lose weight was taking fiber pills so that I would stop eating excessively. But as I recall I don’t think I ate any less, I just obsessed about my weight even more. I didn’t have one ounce of knowledge about how to lose weight effectively. Throw in being about 13 years old, with raging hormones, and all the teenage questions for which I had with no answers. Where could I turn when my parents were lost in their own world of a bad marriage?

 

In hindsight, I can say that my eating was just an escape from what was happening in my head. I may have been pudgy and soft, but I have never been fat overweight. In my 13-year-old mind, I mentally felt fat, but didn’t make the connection between what I was seeing in my head and what I really looked like.

 

When I was 16, my parents separated resulting in my Mum moving to England to be with her family. My sister and I were sent to private school for a year of transition so we could sort out our place in the world. This is where I think the notion of numbing myself with food really took off, but on a subconscious level. While at Private School, I submerged myself in my studies and dealt with my new life. It was painful to say the least, being so far away from my mother, a father who was dealing with making his own new life, my sister coping in her own way and to top it all off, I had been removed from all of my friends. So what? I’m not the first teenager that’s been sent off to school and been a child of divorce. So, get over it. Well, you can tell yourself that on one level, but deep down I couldn’t deal with the pain rationally, and for me it reared its ugly head in the form of eating, or shall I say, bingeing and punishment.

 

I remember, on numerous occasions, either eating an entire pie and tub of ice cream or eating a whole tray of cookies– oblivious of anyone watching me. It was only years later that my sister and I would talk about this. It was a faint memory for me because, for anyone who is a binger, you become transported to somewhere else. Or it might be something that you just don’t want to remember or admit to!

 

Due to the fact that I was an honour student, I had earned the right to study in my room instead of with all the others in the main hall while at Private School. In retrospect, it would have been better to be in the hall because, when I had finished my studies, I could do what I wanted which usually meant baking cookies. I would proceed to bake the cookies, which was a very soothing process, but then I would eat all of them. I would play the game that it doesn’t count if its cookie dough, it doesn’t count if you’re standing up, or if it’s not on a plate. It only counts when the cookies are on a plate and you are sitting down. And if you did eat them, but still weren’t fully conscious to taste them, you could get some more. And then suddenly, where the f^&%& did all the cookies go? Did someone eat them when I wasn’t watching? But no one else was in the room! Shit, I actually ate all of them. How can you eat a batch of cookies and not even taste them? And then, do you know what I would do? Throw them up! What a complete waste of my time. I don’t even remember how I got into this habit. But, I did. I would go to the bathroom and proceed to stick my finger down my throat. Gagging. Cursing at myself for being such an idiot. Finally, a stream of cookie would flail into the toilet. Flush. I’d look at myself in the mirror. Red, watery eyes. I would say the most demeaning things to this person. But, the saddest part is, I would either go and bake another batch and eat some more and do it again, or it would happen the next night. There are times when it was hard to throw up in the toilet, so I would stand in the shower with hot water falling on my back, bending over and sticking my finger down my throat. Chewed food leaving my body and collecting at the drain, collecting like the feelings of complete and utter helplessness which were swelling inside of me. I wanted the demons out of me. I wanted peace. Funny enough, even when you throw them up, they still remain. Feelings, unfortunately, cannot projectile into a toilet or down the shower drain. What a shame.

 

Talk about a time-waster – prepare the cookies, eat them and then throw up – why bother? Bulimia. Self-punishment is what I know I was practicing now, but not back then. I was just trying not to gain any weight.

Stay tuned for next week – Sugar Addiction & Self Punishment

Tanya Morrison has been in the Health/Wellness and Fitness Field for over two decades and has coached and trained many clients during this time. She is a certified Personal Trainer, Precision Nutrition Coach, Pilates/Aerobics/Yoga Instructor and more. She is the creator of the Busy Mama Reboot 28 day program, 10 Day Body Reset Detox, 30 Days to a New You, Holistic Weight Management System and many more on-line programs. To find out more about these life changing programs check out the testimonials and information at www.moveyourbody.ca

Tanya has created FREE Healthy Living Challenges that you can sign up for HERE, because even though we know all this “healthy stuff” it’s good to be reminded to keep it in our awareness. Tanya created the Busy Mama Healthy Mama Facebook page so that like-minded mama’s could get great healthy information and recipes in a fun and light-hearted way.

Tanya also teaches many different classes at Move Your Body Studio in Bobcaygeon, www.moveyourbody.ca and has written Healthy Snacks for Kids, Get the Skinny on Skinny Jeans & Living Vibrantly with Raw Goodness – Your Guide to Juicing & Blending, the 21 Laws of Irrefutable Fat Loss, How to Get Rid of Cellulite and more. Her blog, www.tanyamorrison.ca  has lots of great articles to help you navigate your way to the healthy life you want, tons of recipes and great tips!

Tanya presents High Performance Nutrition for Kids and Teens, How to Become an Efficient Fat Burner, hosts Raw Smoothie Parties and many more presentations. Please contact her to set up your presentation.

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