Dec 232016
 

cookie-dough-cover-pagePart Two – Cookie Dough in the Dark

To read part one click- My Sugar Addiction

 

For some strange reason, I learned that when I was throwing up, the acid from the bile rots your teeth and can rot the lining of your throat and apparently that was enough to make me stop. So I did. There may have been a few times after this, say a 6-month period, that I would indulge in this behavior, but it was very few and far between. It has definitely not had a place in my life in the last 25 plus years. I knew I had to learn to deal with what I put in my mouth and not jeopardize my health.

 

But now if I wasn’t going to discard the extra food from my body, how was I to stay thin and not get fat. How would I deal with my loneliness? How would I deal with my unexplained feelings? What was I going to do to punish myself? So, I started chewing gum. I would chew about 70 packs of Hubba Bubba (do you remember that gum?) a week and I would tape the wrappers on the wall to remind myself of what I was doing. Can’t get fat chewing gum. I also probably starved myself; and I think I only ate grapefruits for about a week. I did a lot of silly things that were useless. I also started to work out. Eat food – work it off cycle….and this continued for many years!

 

Eckhart Tolle writes in his book The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment, “The sufferers of bulimia will often make themselves vomit so they can continue eating. Their mind is hungry, not their body. This eating disorder would become healed if the sufferers, instead of being identified with their mind, could get in touch with their body and so feel the true needs of the body rather than the pseudo-needs of the egoic mind.”[1] Well, I wish I’d known that it my teenage years! However, when I read it in my 30’s it made so much sense that I wanted to cry. Oh, how I wish I’d had the insight then! But that’s part of growing up and traveling on the journey.

 

So, in my own 16/17-year-old brain I decided to deal with the weight that I was putting on and to just accept it as best as I could because I wasn’t ready to move on. I shoved whatever I could in my mouth. Why? Emptiness. Loneliness. Severely lacking proper nutrition training. Whatever it was, I didn’t care and I wasn’t ready to face it. I was bloated, I felt like shit, I had horrible yeast infections, and I hated everything about me. I had a very lonely year at school.

 

During Grade 13, I moved to Toronto and lived with my godparents. I was with new people and new experiences and I remember eating in the bathroom stalls sometimes because I felt people did not want to be around me. I felt safe when I could eat by myself. I also remember my godfather mentioning that I ate more than he did. All of these memories wove into the fabric of my being, making me feel more self-conscious and pathetic. Pathetic because I couldn’t control my eating. I never felt full – ever – I just kept stuffing food in. I was absolutely food for a false sense of comfort and protection.

 

At 5’ 4½”, I weighed about 130 lbs., but I had no muscle weight so I looked and felt fat and out of shape. I think it was the weight of my mind and the lack of happiness that weighed the most.

 

This pattern of compulsive eating and self-sabotage carried on for a few years. I know that after leaving private school I did lose some weight, but I was still eating compulsively. And oh, could I pack it back! Was I proud of eating so much? No! What was I getting out of eating excessively? I was getting a pass. I was avoiding the moment. Numbing the pain. Bury the pain. Problem is, it doesn’t go away. It just gets deeper. Eventually I would have to deal with it. But what exactly was the pain? What had I buried so deep?

 

At this point, my adolescent suitcase was being filled with things that would later have to come out!

Stay tuned for next week…Could this be the answer?

Tanya Morrison has been in the Health/Wellness and Fitness Field for over two decades and has coached and trained many clients during this time. She is a certified Personal Trainer, Precision Nutrition Coach, Pilates/Aerobics/Yoga Instructor and more. She is the creator of the Busy Mama Reboot 28 day program, 10 Day Body Reset Detox, 30 Days to a New You, Holistic Weight Management System and many more on-line programs. To find out more about these life changing programs check out the testimonials and information at www.moveyourbody.ca

Tanya has created FREE Healthy Living Challenges that you can sign up for HERE, because even though we know all this “healthy stuff” it’s good to be reminded to keep it in our awareness. Tanya created the Busy Mama Healthy Mama Facebook page so that like-minded mama’s could get great healthy information and recipes in a fun and light-hearted way.

Tanya also teaches many different classes at Move Your Body Studio in Bobcaygeon, www.moveyourbody.ca and has written Healthy Snacks for Kids, Get the Skinny on Skinny Jeans & Living Vibrantly with Raw Goodness – Your Guide to Juicing & Blending, the 21 Laws of Irrefutable Fat Loss, How to Get Rid of Cellulite and more. Her blog, www.tanyamorrison.ca  has lots of great articles to help you navigate your way to the healthy life you want, tons of recipes and great tips!

Tanya presents High Performance Nutrition for Kids and Teens, How to Become an Efficient Fat Burner, hosts Raw Smoothie Parties and many more presentations. Please contact her to set up your presentation.

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[1] Eckhart Tolle, The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment (Vancouver: Namaste Publishing, 1999) page number.

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